Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
