It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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