dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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