??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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