rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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