also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
