his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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