I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
