i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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