Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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