I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to have your abortion
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
