Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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