he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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