i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He passed out mid-signature
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
