omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
