cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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