she woke up with a sticky ear
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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