I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Let's get the cat blown out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
