There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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