I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
