This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
