Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
