It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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