Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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