she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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