some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
