I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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