There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
people are starting to question the shark bite story
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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