Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
