remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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