Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
