After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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