Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
