There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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