I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
