when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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