he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
