its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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