Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
