I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
