You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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