He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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