Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
