a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We need a shit load of segways right now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
