Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
