Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
