I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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