I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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