I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Welp...herpes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pants are for mortals
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
