Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
