burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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