Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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