You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
