those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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