today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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