waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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