Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
